Sita tentatively steps through the door.
“I was told…I can change my past here?…for free?”, her eyes hold question-marks.
“You are at the right place ,Honey”, Mia assures her. “Let me tell you how this works. You pick your life’s major cross-road. You choose a different path. You arrive at whatever place that path would have taken you today. Any questions? No? “.
Sita’s eager choice launches an avalanche of new memories coming to rest at a door, which looks vaguely familiar.
Sita tentatively steps through the door.
—
Mia hides her sigh behind a smile and welcomes Sita, again.
—-end —
For the concrit subgroup : I wasn’t sure if the last line was necessary . what do you think? Also how did the tenses work?
—-
This 100 word story was written in response to a 100 word photo challenge posted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields each week. PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot
Click on the ‘blue frog’ below to read other amazing takes on the same photo prompt:
Roots & Water 
C – I think the last line was definitely needed.. the last word tied it all together for me, and it is very clever. I get the impression that Sita is trapped in a loop. There is a small typo on the comma between place and Honey…
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Thanks for that feedback Bjorn. Sita is indeed trapped in a loop of her own making maybe because the underlying cause is her inability to accept the present -whatever it may be.
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Oh I definitely agree you need that last sentence. It brings it round full circle!
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Thanks for that feedback Dale.
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I think the last line works. It adds a touch of ambiguity, mingled with dry wit. It’s a pity Mia isn’t charging for her work, she could be onto a winner here.
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Thanks Sandra. Think of Mia as an angel or a social worker or someone working for a non-profit or even a higher power…her intention is to help ..not to make profit.
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It must be the materialist in me… 🙂
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I thought the same thing. People would pay dearly if they thought it would work.
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Dear Ansumani,
I also think the last line brings the story full circle. It also brings about the question if we could change things would the outcome be any better? Or worse? Thought provoking and well done.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Thanks Rochelle. I was thinking how some people repeat the same mistakes of the past yet expect different results. If they can’t change their present and future learning from the mistakes of the past , going back to the past is not going to help either.
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I think it needs the last line – that’s what cemented the idea in my mind that poor Sita is stuck in a loop of her own making. Great story!
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Thanks Ali. Goes to prove that you can’t help some people who make their own misery 🙂
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You can’t mess with fate!
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No, you can’t avoid fate or your Karma whatever path you take.
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That last line gives a full meaning, I adore it.
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Thank You!
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Great story – kind of Groundhog Day with choices.
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Thank you Liz.
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Nice story. I think the last line is the most important of the entire piece. It clarifies the point. I enjoyed the theme as well. We can look to our past and think “If only…” while forgetting that a new path means new choices and potential for greater joy or greater suffering. Really well done.
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Thank you for the feedback. You are right about the “if only…” part. The key is to learn from the past to change the present 🙂
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Great story. Makes you wonder about fate, and the way we can make choices, or not. C- If you want to leave the last line out, you’d need to make the sentence with the familiar door clearer. I think it’s better with the last line.
The tenses work fine for me.
Are you interested in punctuation critique? There are a few things. I’m not a specialist, still making too many mistakes, but I keep learning. Things like a blank after three periods, punctuation within paranthesis and quotation marks, and such.
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Thanks Gah. I’m interesting in all critique. I specifically was looking for feedback on the last line because I felt it could work without it.
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If give the chance for a “re-do” I don’t think I would do it. Maybe Sita shouldn’t have either!
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You are right ,she shouldn’t have.
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Wonderful Story !! amazingly written…:)
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Thanks Mersha.
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i guess sita is confronted with a revolving door. she must figure out how to get out of it. but how? that’s one of life’s mystery. 🙂
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Some situations are created by external forces that we have no control over and getting out of it is still life’s mystery. But then there are ones where we create ourselves…and maybe there we have a choice to do something different.
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Great story, brilliant lesson.
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Thank you!
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I love the last sentence… Very loopy! I wonder what she was trying to change?
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Thank you. She may be trying to change something that inevitable with time, rather than accepting the present and moving on.
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It was extremely well written and thought provoking. One of your very best–so far. 🙂
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Thank you Russell! It’s a high honour coming from experts like you. 🙂
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You sure made me think the number of times I have ended up from where I started. Clever piece.
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Thank you. I find myself in “deja-vu” situations many times too 🙂
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I really like the twist – the last line definitely ties it all up, and it’s such a clever idea.
In terms of constructive feedback, I think the spin would be even clearer if you chopped a bit of filler, such as the line about question marks in Sita’s eyes. Your dialogue reads really naturally, and (imo, of course!) it’d have even more impact if it was left to stand alone.
Look forward to reading more from you!
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Thanks for the feedback. I can see your point. Originally I wanted to show that it wasn’t Sita’s first time there yet that she had no memory of being there and so added that “question mark” to emphasize that.
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Definitely needs the last line. This one made me smile. I was asked in a past poetry class, to write a poem of regrets. I struggled and struggled with it and finally did the opposite and entitled it Pollyanna! 🙂 I decided that I didn’t have any regrets. Note: that’s different from saying “I’m not sorry for some things that happened.” If one has regrets, that means you wish that thing / things had been different. And if that’s the case, there is a ripple effect — change one thing and your life is different today. So for me, this piece reaffirmed my thinking on this. As it, she ends up right back where she started….and I like to think of this in a positive way!
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This is definitely not a negative piece . You are thinking about it is right. This story is more an observation on how some people repeat the same mistakes how many ever chances they get to their life on track . And if one can’t change the present , from the lessons of the past, no amount of going back will help. Thanks for the feedback.
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Agree 100%. It’s the present we work in. Happy Friday and have a great weekend!.
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The idea is very interesting about if we could choose a different path would we do it. And maybe the original path was what was meant to be. So I can not judge this person for not changing her life and I think that is what you are saying that she did not change because she ended up at the same place. The only thing confusing would be why would she have different memories?
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Deborah, She did change her path and still ended up at the same place/situation as her original path. As an example , let’s say she chose a different path where she buys the winning lottery ticket and yet she ends up bankrupt in 5 years – the same place she was when she didn’t win the lottery. I have heard enough stories of people who win millions and end up losing them in a few years.
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Like your destiny can not be changed.
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This is a great story, and I’m glad you kept the last line because that’s what makes the whole story. Flash fiction is all about the perfect word or phrase in the perfect place.
I’m not sure if Mia is malicious in this or if it is unavoidable since she seems to know she is coming and that she is trapped in a loop. It works either way, but I was wondering what you intended.
-David
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I intended Mia to be an angel – who is not supposed to guide the “customers” on choices but give them a second chance in life and allow them to exercise ‘free will’.
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This certainly is thought provoking.
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Thank you Dawn.
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Oh that was fun. How many times can you go through the door?
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Thanks Joseph. One can go through enough times until an angel’s patience is depleted 🙂
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C – Yes, I liked the last sentence too. Although without it the story would be strong in different ways, it woud have been implied that she was getting something equally dissatisfying, but not that she’d have another chance to change it.
One little concrete thing: I think you would be better served by a full stop before “her eyes hold question marks”, because it’s a fresh phrase not an attribution. It’s a lovely line though.
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Thanks for the constructive crit Jennifer. Your point about the full stop before “her eyes..” is valid. I learned a new thing today 🙂
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What a novel idea. I love both characters. Sita is so easy to connect with – never content; and Mia’s little sigh and eternal patience are wonderful.
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Thank you Margaret.
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I suspect if such a place existed… there would be a long line!
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I’m sure there would be a long line.
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I agree the last line is needed. Poor Sita, caught in a loop. Well done, Ansumani. 🙂 — Suzanne
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Thanks Suzanne.
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