Tag Archives: loss

Loss – Part 3

This is a continuation from the first two posts on this series:

https://ansumani.wordpress.com/2015/04/09/loss-part-1/

https://ansumani.wordpress.com/2015/04/10/loss-part-2/

It all started, the slide down the path of loss, when the older girl next door asked,  “Can we all play together, You me and Babuji?”.

I said “Yes” when something in me , which I would later find out is instinct, screamed ‘No’.

We sat at the stairs and played with Babuji. Babuji let her do whatever she wanted with him. It was as if I didn’t exist. Did I say he was fickle already?

Next she declared, “Babuji has a tumor in his stomach. Let’s operate on him. Can I cut him open?” and brought out a blade. I shouldn’t have said ‘Yes’.  She took one deep cut in his abdomen. I watched transfixed, unable to move,caught up in her perversion. His skin was too tough for the blunt blade and it took several cuts to get through to his hollow centre. She wasn’t satisfied. She wanted a wider cut to be able to put fingers through the cut. I woke up from my apathy then and said I was done playing.

I walked away with the damaged Babuji , something stuck in my throat. A bundle of emotions that I didn’t know to name or spell. It took many years, several other losses and serious soul searching to recognize and untangle them: regret, shame, anger and pride.  Shame that I let someone’s perversion, consciously or unconsciously, destroy something beautiful.

Babuji and I  still were together most of the time, bound by that tangle of guilt and shame.  You see, guilt is one thing that’s not very easy to lose. You can turn it into resentment to protect your precious ego. You can turn it into blame and find faults like ‘Babuji was Fickle’ to justify your inadequacy. But it will always be there, if there is no proper atonement.  I shouldn’t have said ‘Yes’. Period.

“You are too old to be playing with dolls. Let a smaller child play with them. Can I send these toys to your cousin?”, mother said.  She bundled all , including the damaged Babuji and sent it over. I shouldn’t have said ‘Yes’. The last ‘Yes’ that I thought was the decision point….but by now you all know that it was those smaller ‘yes’s along the way.

That was the last time I saw him. I looked for him at my aunt’s place..a week later.”Where is Babuji?”, I asked. “It was damaged and we threw it away”, my cousin said.

Richard Bach is not right all the time. If you love something, hold on to it tight. Protect it. Not everyone will value it the same.

And don’t say ‘Yes’ when every bone in you screams ‘NO’.

Loss – Part 2

This is the continuation from the previous post:

https://ansumani.wordpress.com/2015/04/09/loss-part-1/

I didn’t feel the loss the day I saw him last. Just thought I will see him again.

I’m talking about my first friend, my first love of sorts, the one I lost: Babuji.

The memory of when and how he came into my life is lost , just as he is. He was just there in my life, an everyday part of it. We were inseparable.

I recall my mother watching us with trepidation…. on my obsessive servitude to him and his undivided attention to me.I’m sure she plotted then to separate us soon, waiting for the right time. Her resolve must have strengthened when I declared that Babuji and I will bathe together going forward, the rest of our lives. There was a severe water shortage, I learnt later, and she was not going to let precious water be wasted on a rubber toy. That’s what Babuji was to her….a rubber teddy bear that used to squeak from a little device when pressed until that was lost…Even Babuji had experienced loss!

But we all know that Babuji was more than a rubbery compound moulded together into a shape of an cute animal like creature and painted with toxic lead paint with no apparent indications of gender . He is in the same league as Santa, Mickey mouse, Donald (not Trump but Duck) and magic school bus.

Image result for rubber teddy bear

Photo credit: http://www.vintagetoys.com

Why I declared him a male, I would never know. He was He…just like we call God “He”. I would also never know why I named him ‘Babuji’.”Where did she get that name”, my parents asked themselves aloud. Maybe I heard it somewhere…may be it was part of some Karmic memory…maybe the wind whispered me the name…Baaaaabuuuuujiiiii.

I wonder where he lies now. Its been almost 30 years. His inorganic body must have been disintegrated by the elements and seeped into the earth, into the water causing algae to die, sea levels to rise.

Maybe he is still intact somewhere staring at a little girl with the same love in his eyes that he had for me. You see , for all his cuteness and his loving eyes he was fickle…he looked at all of us girls the same. Seeing him in the arms of another girl, who didn’t love him as much as I did, who wasn’t as devoted as me, who didn’t bathe him everyday and cuddle with him every night, broke the magic between us. He may have been my first love but a girl wants to be the only one. That special look of love , reserved only for her.

Still, I shouldn’t have said ‘Yes’ when I wanted to say ‘No’. There’s  no excuse for what I did.

–To be continued.

Loss – Part 1

This post is for today’s Writing 101 prompt: Write about a loss: something (or someone) that was part of your life, and isn’t any more. Make it a three part series.

Which bin of loss would you pick from, if you were asked to write about it? :

the ‘trivial’ or the ‘valuable’ ?

the “its out there somewhere/misplaced” or the “it no longer exists”?

the “irrevocably lost never to be  replaced” or “can be replaced in time”?

the “it’s meant to be lost” or “how does one lose that??!! ” ?

I have a list in each bin …at least one ,as I’m sure you do too.

Or do you pick by the raw emotion the loss causes: the one that you feel in your bones everyday or your first loss that you have forgotten until something like this triggers it? Or that loss that was your epiphany? Choices! Choices! Choices!

Talking of choices, sometimes its the choices we make that lead us down the path of loss, the kind of loss that’s tinged with regret. “If only” I said: yes”….”If only I said: No”..we think back to a certain choice at a point in time assuming that was the turning point from possession to loss. But we were already half way down the path, allowing ourselves to roll into the fork in the road.  We just didn’t know it at that time.

I let myself to such a decision point and said “Yes” when I should have said “No”.

Image result for saying 'yes' when you should say 'no'

Granted, I was very young. Inexperienced. How was I supposed to know what type of loss that it would lead to? How was I to know that a bitter pill called regret would one day lodge in my throat? How was I to know, never to say ‘yes’ when you want to say ‘no’?

How was I to know that my choice would lead me to lose him forever?

–To be continued in Part 2

P.S.- I need to make this assignment a 3 part series and so..yes..going to drag it as long as I can 🙂

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