Photo credit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capitoline_Wolf
Sometimes you know that the end is near. It’s in your guts. In the mind. In the signs the universe throws your way. I know it’s going to be today
Your body has a way of telling you. If you listen closely. Like the sharp stabbing pain in my chest last week. The doctor in the Emergency Room said it was just gas and sent me home. Doctors ! …they only know so much. All the devices at the hospital couldn’t measure my sense of dread; the certainty of my instinct.
As I’m driving my son to school I feel that I may not see him again. That it was going to be our last ride. I wish it’s just my imagination and that it’s nothing. Maybe it is nothing. I feel a little hope and I smile a little at my son as I say goodbye.
I’m at work catching up on email when boss walks in to my office saying, “we need to get working on a succession plan for all senior leaders. Here’s your template …I need you to identify your successor by end of day”.
This is no coincidence. The signs are getting stronger…more direct.
I check the life insurance policies and designate nominees in my financial accounts. I wish I had written a proper will. I didn’t want to waste my last few hours on legality.
So, I decide to go home early in time to have dinner with my family.
My wife has cooked up a storm. She has been on this healthy eating spree and feeding us all kinds of vegetables for years now. The food is lip smacking good. For an hour I forget my impending end and enjoy the food and the company of my family.
I sit brooding with my laptop while the family laughs at the jokes in a sitcom.
It’s time for bed. The lights are off and I wonder if I should tell her now. By the time I make up my mind she is asleep. I “spoon” with her and close my eyes.
I must have fallen asleep immediately. I’m awaken by Nature calling me with a solid knock. I have to answer it. I answer and reach for the toilet paper. I see the sure sign now. I know now that all the previous signs are right. The sliver of doubt that I may be imagining all this is gone replaced with cold hard facts . Indisputable facts. The end is very near.
I am back in bed and my wife stirs and asks if everything is all right. I hesitate …had to tell her now …I didn’t know how to tell her.
She turns around and puts a hand on my chest stroking me and says, ” Must be a bad dream. Everything will be fine. Go back to sleep.”
I say softly ,” there was blood in my stools . A lot ”
Her hand froze on my chest. Suddenly she turned away from me snuggled into the comforter and said , ” Go back to sleep. It’s just the beets we had for dinner”.
Another perfect early morning sleep ruined. Another evening watching him brood. 10 years is a long time to put up with his morbid moods and wasted Emergency room vists. All the healthy cooking of colourful vegetables to improve his health… all a waste! Enough is enough. Tomorrow I will get the arsenic. It’s time I get to sleep undisturbed.
Sometimes you know that the end is near. It’s in your guts. In your mind. In the signs the universe throws your way…..
Photo credit: From website – https://suite.io/denise-larson/5bv028b