This post is my “Writing 101′ course Day one assignment: take twenty minutes to free write. And don’t think about what you’ll write. Just write. And for your first twist? Publish this stream-of-consciousness post on your blog.
When I started to read this assignment it was so easy. A piece of delicious cake. How difficult is it to just write or type for twenty minutes, everything that comes to your mind? That too without thinking about what you have to write, without thinking about what will people think….is it the right thing to write…will I offend anyone…will it reveal too much of myself….not to think about grammar..or spell check or the tense….or whether it rhymes….It’s too easy..until you get to the ‘twist’ that says ‘publish this stream-of-consciousness’. This is when it’s gets infinitely difficult. I decide to skip this assignment…flunk on day one..or take the easy way out and ‘ignore the twist’…the escape hatch in the assignment that seemed to be designed just for me.
All my ‘write whatever comes to my mind’ episodes in the past have been torn into pieces and discarded. The scratch of pen on paper has sometimes been a therapy session between me and me and following patient confidentiality rules been always locked up.I think that I will do this assignment on a piece of paper as usual and tear it or lock it up ..when a ‘why ‘ props up out of nowhere…asking “why not share”? Because I just can’t sprout what comes to my mind…and share it publicly. Because I’m just not myself…I’m a daughter, a mother, a wife, a sister, a ‘..in-law’ and I have these multiple persona that I have to play with each role and each have their own script dictated by tradition/culture/the personalities of the people involved.
I realize that this is my impediment as a writer. When i read the blogs of those women who have chosen to be anonymous I can feel the candor….the ‘thoughts to words translation’ ,their ‘stream-of-consciousness’ presented without filters of the multiple persona that they too are sure to wear in their lives…I see them write without the right brain idea toned down by the left brain reason…without the anger controlled…without the grief tamed…without the humour laundered…..and I long for that anonymity…to be purely me … when i write. While I could write /create a blog anonymously , I keep myself from taking the easy way out….because there is nothing to be ashamed of being me…there should only be one me…what you see , what you hear and what you read. That’s where lies true freedom, growth….and i have stuck to this ..even if it’s me most often breaking the social etiquette and disagreeing openly on a topic while others make non-committal noises with their throat and exercise their neck in a way that shows neither consent or dissent ..and be politically correct…never revealing their strong feelings one way or the other…I have always wondered what these folks would say if the self-imposed etiquette was not there…..hey anonymity is also an option….may be its a way of having the cake and eating it too…but what’s the point of anonymity…all these buts…it’s meant to be a write your ‘stream-of-consiciousness’ and I have never seen a stream that has not meandered…
I read somewhere that a writer reveals a part of themselves in their writing and given enough material a reader can piece together the puzzle of the writer’s psyche. Maybe that’s true….maybe it also shows their understanding of other’s psyche too.
Anyway…. i decide to write about the hornet’s nest of feelings that this assignment stirred…knowing that it will be quite allright a topic to publish..if i decide to publish ,that is, in the time it takes to save this draft. I may not have decided even when my finger lingers on the publish button….you see the biggest battle is always with yourself…’you’ the biggest roadblock in your own path….will i win this battle?..
While I ponder on that question…i ask what picture could possibly go with this blog post if I decide to publish and look out of the window and see the bright flowers that have sprouted in the grass, in the middle of the still half-brown lawn like an cool idea that springs up in the middle of an writing activity, unplanned , among the dead leaves from last autumn and I think it works well….and answers my question.